I recently rediscovered the following among several files on a flash drive. I apparently jotted down these thoughts two years ago in the midst of my time in seminary. For those of you who have been through seminary and for those of you who qualify as arm-chair theologians, you are certain to be entertained. For those who are not quite sure about the basic thoughts of some of the following men or groups, though perhaps at times humorous, the following may help clarify some of your questions as we attempt to answer the age-old question: Why did the Chicken cross the road (perhaps better stated, can the chicken cross the road)?
Ancient and Modern* Theologians Attempt to answer the age old question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
St. Ireneaus – “Well if the chicken only reads those books which are canonical. . . “
St. Augustine – “Well, he was a bad egg from the moment he was laid. . .”
St. Anselm– “If the greatest idea his mind can fathom is crossing the road, then it must be true.”
Eastern Orthodox– “Though created in the divine image, he is a cracked egg-con.”
Martin Luther– “ The chicken is justified in crossing the road in the faith that he can cross the road alone, while having 95 reasons why he shouldn’t pay road tolls because the authorities are only trying to build a bigger coop.”
John Calvin– “The chicken is predestined to cross the road.”
Jacob Arminius– “God looked through the portals of time and saw the chicken on the one side of the road and knew he desired to cross, so he will cross, as long as he doesn’t lose his way.”
The Synod of Dort– “This totally depraved chicken is unconditionally elected to cross the road, though only a limited number of chickens will in fact, cross the road yet this one is irresistibly drawn and he will persevere to the other side of the road.”
Karl Barth– “When the chicken saw the sign, “chicken crossing,” he read the text, was illuminated, and knew the meaning, yes, he can cross the road.”
20th century evangelist– “Dear Lord, I know that I’m a chicken. . .”
John Piper– “Yes, the chicken will cross the road for the Glory of God because in that the chicken will be most satisfied.”
Greg Boyd– “God has strong beliefs that the chicken may cross the road, so I think he will, though God may not be sure, but if he does, he will prove his faith, then God will know.”
Bart Ehrman – “Though the chicken saw the text on the sign “chicken crossing” he knew some orthodox chicken must have changed the sign for his purpose, looked for a textual variant and realized that not only was this not a chicken crossing, but chickens who crossed that road were doomed.”
Joel Osteen– “Chicken…say to yourself… ‘I might be a chicken, but I am not just a chicken, I am a chicken of the most high God. . . I have royal chicken blood. . . in fact…I am not a chicken, I am a hawk! And I can fly across the road!’”
* Some modern names may not meet the criteria of “theologian” but may represent the overwhelming majority opinion of the day.